Nostalgie...

My life is a big dream... This very life is a dream itself. And me as a higher consciousness is watching this dream right now as if it was a nice soap opera. Emotions, feelings, pains and pleasures, "dream" dreams and worries, loves and separations - all that is a part of a higher scenario. This light of God or Universe just decided it (he/she/them) wanted to experience something called Yana Shulzhenko and downloaded itself into me, my body, and my life. For a BIG and IMPORTANT purpose. Interesting... I understand it on the mental level but I still can't really experience it outside of my meditation, i.e. in real life (what is real you might ask... meditation and entering somewhere deeper than I can explain seems  to be more real than the "real" life sometimes!). Thus my heart often jumps when I see people, remember places, check out some old photos. My emotions go hoolahooping and I want thisthatandevenmore, not being impeccable and basically trying to attach to my old me, to remember how it was when I was all flower-power free-hugs jumpy Janka-bananka. It happened today, when I all of a sudden discovered those old photos from Gothenburg 2008, from Marseille, from Barcelona. I love that time - that's when I was the happiest the longest (if not counting NOW). That's when my heart was open - somehow I opened my spiritual heart without really doing any practices - I was just working with a boy with autism. Funny hein? I saw those pics and my heart went boumboum and I became all hyper and jumpy again. I became Janka. I liked it! I REALLY LOVED IT actually. But then I understood that I consciously can be THAT kind of me, just because every single personality feature can be applied to me if I decide it! Really. It's not as impossible as it may seem. I think during those vipassana retreats some solid and basic parts of me just dissolved and I became kinda blank, and now it's time to just play with this blankness a little, so I want to come back to my childishness, to my "hard to live easy" life, to lightness and light itself, but consciously this time... Without being dependent on this highness, on this state of hypersuperjumpy mood. Just being happy, motivated, joking, smiling, not-so-serious, little crazy. Will start with a new hair cut, I suppose. Something like this:

Nothing will really change. Because there's nobody to be changed - I am already everything I was and gonna be. But still...

So please, have a dream! In this very life. 

Hakuna Matata

And Happy New Day! 

Post-India

It's been one week since I arrived in snowing Petrozavodk, my native town in North-Western Russia. It's lovely to be with mamma and the family. To have hot shower whenever I want and not when the sun warms up water (or doesn't warm it up at all, which is more normal), where the streets are white and the tap water is drinkable, where brown bread is available on every corner and where fresh fruit juices are 100% safe and I don't have to ask the boy to wash the cup before poring my portion in it, where the cars stop politely when you cross the road (on a crossroad, which has been a rare thing in my life for the past 4 months), and where there is no honking AT ALL (if you've been there you'd understand)! But (always there's a BUT) i definitely miss everything else that one can't find here - Ganga, heat, babas, children, homeless dogs, fresh papayas, dust in the air instead of snow, thalis and chapatis, temples, buddha boys and monks, banoffee pie and ginger-lemon "sex on the mountain", samosas, elephants and monkeys, Himalayas, Himalayas, Himalayas, Tibetan bread, chowmein and momos, incenses, flowers, banana trees, women in sarees and men in turbans, rickshaws and crazy busses more more more...
But all that turns out to be SO superficial! What I got there is that overall meditative state, that new attitude to life, that happiness which has nothing to do with joy and excitement. Or have I just established myself in it? It was dormant like that cobra on the street, and a magician, let's call him India, woke it up, and now it is there dancing :)

BE HAPPY!