Снова о вечном и проходящем

Сегодня подумалось о мыльных пузырях, как те, что Антонио выдувал...

Мы рождаемся из однородной массы, растем, растем, растем, такие радужные и непохожие друг на друга, по пути сливаемся в одно или отталкиваемся, оседаем на чьих-то влажных ладонях, оказываемся друг у друга внутри, цепляемся или улетаем, пробираясь меж деревьев, так и не задев ни одной ветки, в лазурное небо, и все-все когда-то лопнем, плоп, словно не было, разлетевшись мелкими брызгами, оставляя разводы и свободное пространство для новых шарообразных...

Такие вот надутые Богом пузырики... 

И эта тонкая пленка, отделяющая нас от мира, она ведь такая условная и пружинистая...

Главное - не забыть, что внутри и снаружи все едино, все Пространство...

Еще от Мики, Неаполь, ночь, она с бутылкой Кьянти, а я слушаю: рассказывала про бабушку дедушку. В их мире главным были любовь и утренний чай из термоса. Так и есть - любовь и утренний чай... 

I am not surprised!

So... More of transurfing. 

My world is definitely taking care of me and hugging me gently! Today we (me and my world, of course) on the way to the playground managed to pass by a chocolate shop and I got an extra candy! 

Speaking real, at our language school I met an American couple. They are 50+ and they have been studying neuroscience for some years here in Italy and the husband speaks Tibetan, is related to buddhism, has worked on mind and matter things etc., and - here comes the candy - he knows a Tibetan doctor here in Trento, which is a gift for me, as Ten Pa, "my" Tibetan monk, doesn't accept any conventional drugs and only wants a Tibetan doctor! Miracle in progress.

I somehow radiate these Tibetan-Buddhist waves on my way! Wow. 

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam! 

Feeling grateful again...

Motivation letter...

They often ask me why I came here. And how come in my 30-s I still want to volunteer. They expect me to find beautiful words and equivalent phrases. 

There is a fantastic book "On Freeing the Heart" by Michael Hookham. It's a series of transcribed talks from one of his teachings (mostly in Nyingmapa Buddhist tradition). What grabbed my attention most is the chapter where he talks of our constant searching for aims and goals and of our desire to achieve them - a very Western way of thinking, right? Even experienced meditators and practitioners do that - they sit down on their cushion having a very certain ideas on what and how they should attain, achieve and realize in their meditation. 

The same here...

I was constantly asking myself too - "why do I go to Italy", "why do I want to work with elderly", "why do I want to volunteer". I couldn't find sincere answers first. And I was again wondering "why"... The "right ones" were on my lips before I would even start to think. But that was a year ago. Now I just smile back when they question me, cause at the end there was no real goal, there were circumstances and the flow that altogether brought me here. I was even resisting. And only when I arrived I started to get the "why". Only AFTER I got the BEFORE. 

Small things started to happen themselves: like with that Tibetan Monk - when I am holding his hand I feel similar to how I'd feel on the 6th day of vipassana. No thoughts. When I give hand massage to Italo, who's got severe dementia, he livens up and looks me in the eye. When I bring an orza-coffee to Pina, who constantly shouts "signoooora", and she says "God bless you", I do feel blessed. When Emma says "BauBau" - that's the way Italian dogs speak and that's the way she expresses her humor - I answer "GavGav" and she starts to laugh happily an squeezes my face. Endless stories.

I am here for that. For no special reason. Just for all that.

Who am I?

The notion of time an space changes here...

I wonder how Rosalia, who turned 103 yesterday, perceives it. Seriously, it's like a cat's time but all the way round - must be different from "ours" (I didn't dare to say "normal", cause what is normal actually?).

Berta's phrase of the day was "Ca n'a pas d'importance" ("It's not important")  whatever I'd ask her: how old she was, if she remembered her husband's name, if she wanted a magazine to read. Sounds like Zeland's "drop the importance"-hymn...

Have been called Diana, Ariana, Maryanna, Iliana today... Asked myself: and if everybody around forgot who and how I was, who would I be then? The "I" would just leave space to the "Being", and the self-definition would become just a moment-to-moment process. And vice versa - if  I forget who and how "I" am (is), what happens? And then comes a new question: how can I stay aware if I have forgotten who I am? Is it possible at all?

Thinkfull and thankfull...

I don't want to go to Paradise..

On Tuesdays and Saturdays they have a mass in the prayer room. 

Most of them go there.

Not all though.

This morning, Tuesday, Antonio, an ex-priest who comes to accompany them during the mass, tried to get my Berta into the prayer room. 

Berta is 93.

Berta speaks French.

Berta is in a wheel-chair.

I am passing by them and she grabs my hand, saying: "Save me from him, he wants me to go to Paradise! But I don't want to go to Paradise!!!" 

The nurse took her to the hair-dresser instead...

Good ol'times

I am at my parents' and just before leaving for Saint-Petersburg and probably for Europe I spent this wonderful cold September day in our Dacha where we used to go every weekend during spring-summer-autumn time (hm, Carelian variant is May-September:) when I was little and also spent some summers. 

It was natural and almost obligatory to grow your own tomatoes, pick berries and spend your vacation in the "dachnik" posture - with your booty up working-working-working and then working on your work's results - cooking jams, making pots with tomato sauce and pickles...



And then in late summer and during the whole winter you could enjoy the fruits of you "wonderfully spent summer". When I was a child I used to think this was too much work for too little joy. Then adolescent I became a follower of DIY and was growing my own cucumbers and flowers. Hard work I remember and... it was normal :)

Then several years in Europe made me a real fan of frugality and there I could see how it was becoming pop and expensive and fancy and alternative - really - "ALTERNATIVE", hippy, cool to grow your veggies. 

And now when I came back for the summer I found myself in the middle of jars of strawberries, freshly picked mushrooms, pappa-grown tomatoes and herbs. AMAZING FEELING - so close, every day, NORMAL. 

So I asked myself - why nowadays so many things that used to be logical for our parents, like growing their own stuff, healing sore throat with raspberry jam, drinking chaga, picking herbs for their salad from outside the door, are so abnormal and high-standard?




THAT should be normal, as normal as it is to go and get a double cheeseburger for 1 euro now...

Geography of our memories...

It happened to you, right? Places where old memories pop up, where you had met someone and now you suddenly turn around looking for that person in the crowd. Right? Well, it's logical - like with fragrances or music. Our subconsciousness just registers some facts that go together and makes our mind remember the "missing" part once we encounter something like that... 

BUT when this synchronicity happens out of nowhere??? Today I was driving my bike in one of the streets of Piter and all of a sudden with NO reason thought of my ex - Sashka, wondering if he'd be in the city. I often try to understand where thoughts come from so I was veeeery surprised to find no logical chain of my mind-work that would lead me to this memory. And the tadaaaam, I got it - the moment I thought about him, I was passing by the place where we had met once just after my jump with the parachute and where my emotions were bouncing together with my heart :) The thing is that the thought about him came BEFORE the memory connected to the place - never happened to me before! 

Apparently I left some emotional imprint on that spot :) Or is it something from quantum physics? Entanglement? Connections? Interesting... (Takashi, sorry for the plagiarism:)

This world is a biiiiig enigma! Definitely!

"Let's fly again let's flyyyyyyy again"...

Sachmo would love the thing we tried today :)

Katya gave me a great present for my birthday... after some time of keeping me curious and excited she finally cracked and I got to know that we'd go and try this new yoga style (new for Russia) called aerial yoga or yoga in hammocks. 

Don't think that if there's a hammock, you'll lie there like a wombat and there's gonna be total shavasana and no work-out! On the contrary! This piece of tissue hanging from the ceiling gives you SO MANY more opportunities for stretching and hanging and ... flying that by the time you lie down flat you're happy you're not a bird. Or not happy. Cause the feeling of freedom and stretch-itude is fantastic!

One of my best-ever shavasanas and one of my best-ever B-day gifts!!!

Breath of Love

Me and Olivier we once crated this phrase to describe a certain flow felt around the heart (and from it). BOL - I still use this word to describe the moment when there's a rainbow in your smile, when you feel you love the whole world, when your chest hurts - so much love there is, when you are ready to hug everybody around. 

They say happiness is a choice. I truly believe it. Happiness can be born, raised and nurtured. You have to consciously, every day, decide you're choosing it. Happiness is not smth that comes itself (it can, but then it's only a temporary thing - depending on someone/something/somewhere). Happiness is wholeness. Happiness is stillness. Gratitude. Faith. Joy. Every moment - no, from moment to moment. David told me once about meditation: "one moment of concentration gives birth to another moment of concentration". I'd say the same about happiness...  second per second...

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam

Be Happy Be Happy

Vegan? Are you kidding me?

Well, one hour after having written the post about commitments I said to myself that one of the topics on the list could be done NOW, I don't have to go for a 10 years delay or try to work my muscles on it... And tadaaaaam, I suppose there are no more excuses for me not to be vegan (I've always been saying that I lack cheese, cause I love cheese, I adore it, I am ready to spread a good piece of cheese over my face, cheese is my everything, but then I realized that I survived almost without cheese in India, 4 months! and I don't really NEED it... Eggs and milk - I don't eat dairy, but I wouldn't say no if it was used by someone else for something they had cooked up for me). The same with my everlasting excuse about eggs - I don't usually eat them but I'm always saying "ehhh, it's ok if eggs are in the pie, right? Just once, just in this pie..." Etc. etc. etc. 

Not that I need to become vegan, but I've wanted to for several years now. When you start being vegetarian for some ethic reasons sooner or later you come to veganism, I think. And I wonder now WHY I didn't switch to vegan diet before. The answer is "lack of motivation" and "tomorrow-i'll-do'it" promises to myself (like the one I had recently: I made a beautiful strawberry cottage cheese pie and couldn't say no to it, and decided I'd start once it's finished... my way of treating reality :)

And now I clearly understood that becoming vegan is a good way of training my will. I'm not forcing myself this time. I just DECIDED. Once and for all... So simple!!! I'm not cheating myself or trading with myself any more (like before, when eating Oltermanni, cause it doesn't have rennet in it...).

I think I'm not gonna be the extreme vegan, I am not going to track all the E-s on the package, thinking if they have animal origins (well, I think Ill just get rid of the E-s in my diet). I'm not going to try to persuade my parents that eating vegan is good for me. I'm not even gonna tell them :). I am not gonna say no to a soap in someone's bathroom if I'm not sure it hasn't been tested on animals. Santi shanti...

I'll take the simple way. A lot of raw food, no substitutes, as much frugality as possible, a good kitchen and a good web-site with vegan recipes :). 

Mamma mia, it sounds much better than I thought, as if a new life is starting!!!

I'll go and celebrate it with a vegan rice milk banana strawberry smoothie :)

Be happy and healthy! And go vegan if you want!

Karma yoga...

Came up to my mind today: conscious parenting is a sort of karma yoga, cause you're devoted to somebody without any conditions and expectations, with pure and self-giving motivation...

10 years commitments

Thanks to my best Katja have just finished a small article by Steve Pavlina about commitments. The main phrase would be:

"While it's perfectly okay to dabble in a variety of interests to discover what you enjoy, if you really want to get good at something, a serious commitment is required. Dabbling is great for experimenting, but it's lousy for long-term skill building. To master a skill, move beyond dabbling and make a serious commitment to your craft."

Steve suggests that one should (while dabbling) choose some exact goals and make them into 10 years commitment. He claims it to be a very helpful system. 

I said to myself WHY NOT? I've always been lacking this inner motivation and will of power to finish what I've started on a good level: I've tried to dive, to learn how to juggle, to speak Portuguese, to play guitar, to enjoy calligraphy, to fast, to make DIY cosmetics, to take good pix, to study history, to settle down in several countries, to meditate, to do yoga. And in most cases my motivation was blown away by the wind of changes, let it be mistral... I know I'm a scanner and I know I am doing best when jumping from one activity to another. But I also tend to be a "drop-it-half-way" exactly because of lack of commitment. Commitment makes your decision grounded and strong. Well, first of all it MAKES YOUR DECISION :) It also makes you set up several small goals on the way and - which is of most importance - to understand WHY you are doing this or that. Not just "ehhhh because it's fun", cause when the goal is difficult to achieve (let's say "be good at playing arphe")  having fun will not be enough on a long term basis. So in order to come where you are willing to come you should have a good "pusher". This can be the commitment you take being fully aware of why you're taking it. This seems to be the best motivation! 

So... for the next ten years I chose:

- speaking perfect Italian, Spanish, Portuguese

- being a master of Tibetan Massage

- being 100% vegan

- learn to bellydance 

- becoming established in  meditation (vipassana, dzogchen, heart meditation)

Some of these thing I started with, but they seem to be hobbies, not smth I am committed to... 

This August I'll turn 30, so in 10 years - on my 40th birthday I'll check this out to see where I turn to be on my path!

Announcing all that makes me dizzy and scared already, cause I am really good in procrastinating and looking for excuses NOT to do smth (even if I like it) as soon as there's an effort to be done...

If you have any experiences in pushing your limits and promising smth to yourself, you are warmly welcome to share and to inspire me :)

BE HAPPY!!!

Breeeeath... Be...

Starting a new trial TODAY - 30 days of Kapalabhati pranayama. 30 minutes in the beginning - can't stand more so long, start to feel dizzy or haven't adjusted my diaphragm and  breath, don't know yet...

That's what they say the benefits are:

• - Kapalbhati stimulates pancreas to release insulin thereby helps to control diabetes mellitus.

• - By improving liver and spleenic functions it presents and cures hepatitis (A.B.C), Cirrhosis of liver and Anaemias.

• - If done regularly it relieves constipation, acidity and anorexia etc.

• - Regularize endocrine and exocrine systems

• - Being helpful in regulation of all glandular secretions it is highly effective in azoospermia, oligospermia and fallopian tube blockage etc.

• - It also helps in eradicating cysts and tumours.

• How 'Kapalbhati' helps in relieving backache is explained as:
  
  • 1. Strengthen the muscles of the back and abdomen.
  • 2. Maintain and increase the flexibility of the muscle ligaments and tendons.
  • 3. It improves posture.
  • 4. Increase bone density and strength.

I don't have any of these major problems/ailments, but just want to see if it can help me with strengthening my digestive system (with moving around so much I don't always eat the way my stomach wants it :), purify my blood and I also want to see if I can adopt a practice and stick to it... Recently have been out of my daily routines sooooooooo...

Oh, after the first session I felt really oxygenated and HIGH, like after yoga. But now, 3 hours later am really sleepy (or is it because it's 1.30 AM? :)).

The difficulty is that I haven't found out what to do with my mind yet - it just wonders away superfast... They say I should do tonglen or just breath in +ive and breath out -ive. We'll see tomorrow (morn:)
Be Happy so far!

DIY

DIY is the best concept EVER! You always know what ingredients come inside and it is applicable to everything - life, relationships, scandal, karma, your day, mood, earrings, dress and vegan cakes... Today I have the DIY vegan raw cake only (hoping that with it come day-karma-mood-etc):

For the base:
500 gr nuts (any) soaked for the night
200 gr dates
honey if needed (I don't put it, as the dates give the sweetness)

For the filling:
2-3 big bananas,
1 cup frozen strawberries (or fresh, but here it's not the season yet - two more weeks to wait)
1/2 cup coconut oil

Sesame seeds or grated nuts

Grind the nuts together with the dates (don't forget to take out the seeds) for the base, press the mass into a form. Mix together bananas, strawberries and coconut oil, put the filling on the base and send in the fridge for 1-2 hours. Decorate with grated nuts or sesame seeds.


My first raw cake BTW, hehe...

The pic is not mine, but looks almost the same!

La vie est beeeelle!!!

Almost two months later and:
one more vipassana - in Russian this time, in the rooms where Ahmatova used to stay and rest in Komarovo

One big Russian "vacation" for me and D. - with my lovely parents, great people, massages, presentations, pirogis, pryanikis, snow and sun and SP...

Finland and my beloved sister

FLORENCE and... here's a looooong pause of delight and happy smiles - this city is magic and it was waiting for us!

Then HHing from Fi to Mars.

Now Marseille for one week. Love. Love. Love.

Next Russia and going back to Flo. But I'm living the moment!

Happiness is a choice...